Are you there Santa? It's me Bazensk.

Dear Santa,

I know we haven't touched base in like 17 years, but I just wanted to say hi and see what you were up to. Couldn't find you on Facebook, so I thought I'd write a letter old school style. Last time we corresponded I believe you were giving out My Little Ponies and Hungry Hungry Hippos, but I'm hoping you have rolled with the times and have a sack full of iphones and mac equipment for me this year!

It's been a doozey of a year, wouldn't ya say? But Santa, I know in my heart of hearts I've been good enough to earn something special for Christmas this year.

I was mean to my neighbor, but that loud, obnoxious, CRAZY, illerate, gossip diva drug addict asshole deserved it. I was mean to my other neighbor by mimicking all of his annoying and loud sex-capades so that he and his tramp of the week could hear, but he was keeping Marisa up every night! Sure I moaned and groaned loudly while they nailed so they could hear me. Mean or funny? You make the call.

I lessened the road rage and threatening people within the safe confines of my car. I have no idea what I did for that 55 year old man in the Mercedes to come up to my window and threaten that he had a gun. I'm small and innocent. Like I could ever piss someone off that bad :)

I yelled a lot at Ari, but less at my mom. So that evens out.

I broke a lot of laws, but didn't get caught on most of them. I got like 12 parking tickets (a HUGE decrease for me) and missed a bunch of court dates. But I didn't get a boot on my car this time, so I gotta earn some extra credit there. And I was super nice to the lovely staff of the Beverly Hills, Santa Monica, and West L.A. courthouses. They all know me by name and even sent me Christmas cards!

I was marginally less rageful and hateful to Persians. Which you can vouch for is not an easy thing to do.

I illegally downloaded a lot of music, but in turn shared said music with my friends and made them only the best mixes ever! I've changed some peoples lives with my mixtapes.

I yelled, defied and cussed out my boss a bunch, but she had it coming right? Now she's afraid of me, kisses my ass, and lets me do whatever I want. I actually like her now, so basically I turned a negative to a down-right positive!

I whored it down by not being the "Kissing Bandit" like my title-holding year of 2005. Sorry fellas.

As for nice things, I flaked a lot less, was kind to the environment, gave lots of great dance performances for people to enjoy (including many gratuitous flashes while being twirled & flipped by Tom Johnson). I supplied a lot of people shelter on Saturday nights/Sunday mornings/afternoons after they drank too much. I also supplied a lot of "refreshments" to those in need, gave the gift of the margarita machine and threw parties for peeps. I introduced many people to good music and Astro Burger. I stuck to a lot of obligations, spread cheer and tons of Flight of the Conchords videos to those in need, dished out tons of love and xo's on myspace, and gave lots of money to a charity called Lubitsch. And as with every year, I spread obnoxious amounts of love and goodness to all of my family, friends, and non-Persian people.

Having said all that I think I deserve something great this year. A trip to Spain, the ability to beat Expert on Guitar Hero 3, the writer's strike to end, no more Spears girls in the news, a winning lottery ticket…I don't know, surprise me :)

xo
Bazensk

p.s. just wanted to thank you again for all the Jem and Rainbow Brite stuff back in the day. you have no idea how cool that stuff made me.

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If you're ever feeling down...

Just take a look at this …it’s gold.



I can’t decide what my favorite thing about this picture is:

My manic, crazy, possessed face and hilarious teeth
Michelle’s tuck and roll pants, waiting for a flood
My socks match my hideous sweater
Michelle’s denim scrunchy
Lindsay actually thinks she looks cool.
Michelle only being a year older than me and being insanely gigantic next to us
Lindsay’s freakishly big feet
All of the aunts are in the background ogling and taking pictures for days
Lindsay is totally posing
My socks are two sizes too big for my foot
My family actually thinks this is adorable and that matching fur coats is a good idea

Michelle will randomly e-mail me this pic ever so often and I will literally have a hysterical laugh attack for the following hour. I laugh until I’m crying. Then Michelle will call me at work and we won’t even say a word. We’ll both just sit on the phone with each other, not able to talk, hysterically laughing and crying…pissing off all passers by, I’m sure.

So let me share my Prozac with you. It never disappoints.

p.s. God bless braces. for fuck’s sake.

p.p.s. here is Christmas 17 years later. sans hip rabbit fur.

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the pervs that are my readers

i would just like to share with you what people are going to my blog to read about. these are the things that people searched on the web to end up on my page. thank you Google Analytics.

and i'm not kidding. this is absolutely 100% true. real searches that you the people have typed in to get here. enjoy.

top 25 google searches of visitors to my blog:

1. Lachey & Manillo & sex video - (interesting)
2. Justin Timberlake omelette ville - (less interesting)
3. "Had to pee in her" - (now we're talking)
4. "give grandpa a blowjob" – (ok, people are sick f*cks. I don't know what's worse about this. the fact that people search this, or that it brings you to my blog.)
5. Jeans seizure coto de caza – (ummmm, wtf?)
6. "will forte" gay - (i've made out with him, and no he's not. and yes, it was amazing.)
7. 90's heartthrobs – (clearly those searchers were disappointed to find that I was actually writing about 90's douchebags: Steve Sanders and AC Slater)
8. love scenes of Sharon Stone – (and that directed them to my page how?)
9. Did Mario lopez use a perm on saved by the bell? - (yes. and duh.)
10. Nick Lachey Vanessa Manillo sex - (them again?)
11. bazensk - (hey, wadda ya know? i made it on the list!)
12. hives and marriage - (my point exactly)
13. gerri curl mullets – (see also Steve Sanders and AC Slater)
14. Daniel Lost Lauren Bazensky - (awwww, Steve: thelostdiary.com)
15. can't dance, too fat to fly – (I don't really know what to say about this. but it sounds like it sucks)
16. Anton Yelchin shirtless – (he's a kid for crying out loud. people are gross!)
17. Ian Ziering shirtless pics naked pics - (i just threw up in my mouth a little)
    
18. Seacrest midget - (ahhh, yes. the worst kind of midget.)
19. kameron bink shirtless - (i'm seeing a trend here)
20. naked rubdown - (oh yeahhh. here's my paypal account: bazensk@letsgitbizzy.com)
21. "i shamefully crapped my pants" - (my, that's unfortunate)
22. fat guy grabbed my boobs - (*crickets*)
23. Justin timberlake junk in a box - (Emmy winner, hollerrrrr!)
24. kameron bink naked pics - (when you find them, let me know)
25. Vanessa Manillo and Nick Lachey nude pictures - (ok, we get it already)

so clearly my readers are weirdos and pervs.

come one, come all.

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Bazensk in Retrograde

Mercury in Retrograde. You can say that again.

Mercury in retrograde is kinda like Earth having PMS. Everything’s off, crazy, and really needs chocolate . Ok, went to far with that analogy.

Everyone at work today has been uttering the phrase “Mercury in Retrograde!!” as an excuse for people’s erratic behavior, nasty confrontations, crazy goings-on, and frustrating blackberry and e-mail outages. Not ever being to into astrology, I asked myself “Is this is the reason I’m so off today (please see paragraph 9)”, and decided to read up on it.

The traditional astrological meaning assigned to Mercury going "retrograde" in the sky is that one should prepare for and gird themselves for unexpected delays, frustrations, and surprises in everyday life. This includes everyday routines in commerce, commuting back and forth to work, and in one's communications.

Unexpected delays? Traffic was unusually sucky today – check!
Frustrations? my boss, work today, my boss at work today – check!
Surprises? my ex is coming to town and my raise kicked in today – check!

During the (very) approximate 24 day periods when Mercury turns "retrograde" in the sky, in the area of commerce, astrologers generally recommend delaying of the signing contracts and other important life decisions. It is a period of time thought to be better spent in reflection and in the rethinking of things.

Re-thinking of things. I would like to rethink my major in college (art would have been fun - business schmusiness) and buying that Jetta with such a high monthly payment years ago. I might also want to rethink my career. Advertising? Pssh! Give me independently wealthy world traveler! I need to rethink my tivo season pass. The Office should take precedence to LOST (yeah I said it). I’d like to rethink the girl scout cookies I just scarfed and the highlights I thought were cool senior year. I would also like to rethink my philosophy on parking tickets.

This is an excellent time to work on old projects that never got to be finished. So, think about the things you started and never finalized.

I have 12 tivo-ed shows, 4 books, 3 unedited iMovies, 2 scrapbooks, and one game of Trivial Pursuit I never finished. Dan, it’s on! you’re going down!

Mercury is literally turning backwards. Backwards. That pretty much sums up my day. I've gone off at everyone that has so much as breathed on me wrong, and I kinda just sent a random crazy e-mail to an ex-friend/crazy lying alcoholic whore. So instead of having one more crazy outburst today, I will take the newspaper’s advice and use this time for introspection, meditation, contemplation and everything else philosophical that ends in “tion”. And finish old projects. Europe scrapbook over bitching out the next person that looks at me funny? Done and done!

A client just called asking why she didn’t get any of my e-mails. To which I said coily, “Mercury in Retrograde!” I’m gonna love using this as my excuse for the next 13 days.

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Dane Cook & So You Think You Can Dance!

Anyone that knows me knows that I am OBSESSED with So You Think You Can Dance. O-b-s-e-s-s-e-d!!! It's only the best show ever, people.

So imagine my surprise when I not only see half the cast at dinner last night, but I saw my favorite, most delicious male dancer Kameron Bink!! Dude. Nothing hotter than a guy that can dance. And his lyrical dance w/Lacey last week was phenomenal!! Choreographer Mia Michaels is a friggin genius.

While dining with April for her birthday, dancers from the show kept walking by, and as Kameron walked by I literally let out a whimper. Obsessed with the thought of getting a picture with him or grazing his skin somehow, I directed my attention to an immediate plan of action on how to accomplish both. Thank god there were other people at the table to entertain April.

As we were leaving the restaurant, so was Kameron. How convenient - ahem. As we stalked followed him out the door, I stopped him, TOUCHED him (hottest dancer bicep ever), and totally using April's birthday as my excuse for being stalker-y, asked for a picture. Of course he was just excited to see he has fans over the age of 13, and happily obliged. Unfortunately we had to get Lacey in the picture too cuz she couldn't get her grubby, greedy paws off of him for one second. We told them they were our favorite couple and divulged how obsessed with the show we were.

Realizing what huge losers we were, we shamelessly giggled with glee and took off to our next stop: The Laugh Factory. It's a tradition that every year for her birthday, I take April to dinner and a comedy club. Unfortunately, this night was “College Night”. So not only were we the only people there over the age of 20, but College Night is usually a pretty sucky line-up. Oh well, it's a tradition. We'll suck it up and listen to jokes about facebook and frat parties.

The comics were marginally funny. Then all of a sudden they call out the surprise comic for the night, Dane Cook! Ok, now I have to admit I always kinda thought Dane Cook was way overrated, and not as funny as everyone thought. I thought he was a blown up untalented mainstream comedian. Well, I was wrong. He is hilarious. And quick as hell! And kinda sexy, now that you mention it. He didn't skip a beat, and I was thoroughly impressed with his comedy surprisingly. So of course we had to go meet him. AND get his picture. He was lovely. And hot. Would have liked if he grabbed my ass or something, but beggars can't be choosers. I felt him up, said cheese, and called it a day.

Kameron Bink & Dane Cook. All in all a good night. Every time I see someone famous now and want to take a picture, I'm just going to say it's April's birthday. Works like a charm.

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Accupuncture Erotica

I learned some interesting things about myself today: I weigh 109 pounds (who knew!), I am 20 % body fat (YIKES! Thanks Pinkberry), I unnecessarily strip naked for acupuncturists (whoops!), and I’m ferociously attracted to a 65 year old Chinese man.

I went into my first acupuncture appt ever, because a) I haven’t been sleeping, and b) it was free. I had an unusually spastic, stressful day and was told that I would be receiving a complementary massage. Cha-ching! I had no idea it was a full body 1 hour massage!!

I undressed completely and waited on the table for the doctor to come in. (sidenote: I’m kind of a perv when it comes to massages. I should warn you now) I was kinda hoping some hot assistant would come in for the rubdown. But instead a geriatric Chinese man came in. oh well, you can’t win them all.

We made our pleasantries, I apologized for being naked (all of a sudden I found it completely inappropriate), and he started the massage.

The second he touched me, I was in heaven. His hands were f-ing magic! And everything he did was perfection. And quickly I was shamefully aroused. When I was turning over, he goes, “Your puppies are sitting there. You have your puppies out! Put your puppies away!” I made him blush. (puppies=boobs, btw)

As he was rubbing my ass, I go, “so you from around here?” and he hushed me. hmmm, hard to get? Niiiiiiiiiiice. I enjoy a challenge.

With the Yanni version of the Titanic soundtrack setting the mood in the background, I started getting further and further into ecstacy. And was eager to get to know my new Chinese friend a little better.

He had to readjust the sheet (so he could sneak a better peak of the boobies I bet). i didn’t much mind. As he massaged the adjacent areas, I was kinda hoping he would cop a feel. Yes I realize I am officially disgusting. But you don’t know his hands! They were heavenly.

As he started doing something wildly and sexually inappropriate to my toes, I almost let out a flirtish squeal when all of a sudden the musak version of the f-ing LORD’S PRAYER came on!! I am not even kidding. I was immediately reminded that I am a hideous slut. What the hell is WRONG with me! why do I want to have this man’s babies right now! and why isn’t he touching my boobs! They’re out in the open!

Sensing my tension he said, “請是安靜”. Which I think is Chinese for “you have a great ass”. I decided to conceal my lustful ways and just enjoy the rest of his orgasmic massage.

I hereby state that I have never been touched like that. sorry any former lovers who read this - it’s true. He rocked my world. I needed a cigarette when he was finished. I’m bringing wine and chocolate covered strawberries to the next appt.

I walked out of the appt, stalling, batting my eyelashes, desperately trying to get him to notice me. I was hoping he’d ask for my number, but nothing.

I came back to work and everyone thought I had a lunch quickie, what with my JBF hair and stupid grin on my face.

I will be dreaming of Grandpa Chinese Guy. We will meet again Jung Chiu, oh yes we will meet again. Get ready for these puppies.

Jesus CHRIST I’m in heat. I’m off to take a cold shower.
Lauren Chiu

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The One About Coachella

this is way belated, but in cleaning out some old e-mails, i'm reminded of how hilarious my Coachella experience was this year. please see following excerpt from an e-mail I wrote to Ish and Ally. says it all:

Coachella
cost of gas to drive to the desert - $20
amount of time driven to said desert on a TRAFFICY Friday afternoon – 5 hours (normally 2 hours)
time it took Ally and I to realize we missed all our bands, it wasn't worth it to keep driving, and we were going to pull over and tell the guys we were turning around - 30 minutes
time it took Ally to be coerced into COMPLETELY changing our plans to turn around – 1 minute (sucker!)
coast of gas station snacks and cracked out energy drinks- $10
amount of time dancing hysterically in car due to caffeine overload – 40 minutes
cost of hotel room - $0
cost of tickets - $0
cost of soju mixed drinks - $12 each
amount of money Ally would pay a sniper to put a hit on Bjork – infinity dollars
cost of drinks at GQ party -$0 and dangerous
drunk comments to Simon Rex on a scale of 1-10? 100!
time spent in Jack in the Box drive thru at 3am – too fucking long
how much I wanted to kill Ally for changing her mind last minute to leave at 6am to drive home, when we went to bed at 4am.....on a scale of 1-10? 3.5 million

the memories, shame, and embarrassing stories from Coachella - priceless

that is all i can say. i cannot divulge more details. other than the fact that Ish was so lovely to give us his tickets for free, and we almost didn't go! so glad we did, because it was the best time ever. Thanks guys!

and p.s. i'm still so upset that i missed Of Montreal, the Rapture and Peter Bjorn and John. when the hell is Of Montreal on tour?! for the love of god!

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So, am i going to get the bird flu now?

So I come home last night totally pissed off cuz I’ve had a humdinger of a day: went to the dentist and found out only AFTER paying $600 out of pocket that he’s out of my network. Well, he’s also out of his MIND cuz he thought I was going to pay $2000 out of pocket for my next visit. AND he doesn’t validate!! Creep. Then I had to deal with my psycho crazy neighbor upstairs who’s been threatening me and leaving harassing, illiterate notes to keep the noise levels down, when he is the f**k face waking me up every morning at 4, 5, and 6 am. a-hole! Did I mention I had a bad day? Well, poor Marisa had her blackberry stolen so we were both ready to kill someone.

As I strolled out to the living room to talk shit on our psycho neighbor, I peer down at our bar stool, and notice a pigeon sitting on it. It took me ten seconds to focus on the image blinking back at me and realize that the nastiest of the bird family made his way into our house and made himself comfortable! I had a rather silent scare, and whispered to marisa that a pigeon was in our house. She lept up from the computer hysterical, screaming and jumping. I started freaking out cuz I thought if we screamed it would peck us to death! Marisa tried to shoo it with her jacket, umm haven’t you seen Birds?! He was going to peck my face off!

Then I realized the little guy was docile and almost adorable. He was too fat to fly. And so sweet. He didn’t want to hurt us, he just wanted to chill in our dope pad. Can’t fault him for that.

So what did I do? What I always do when I need someone to do something for me. Called Scott. He came over in a flash cuz he rocks and lives 3 doors down. And after hysterically laughing at us, he cunningly swiffered the pigeon out of our patio and back into the wild.


I followed Pidgey out, got on my knees and saw that the green band around his ankle said 334. Didn’t know if he was a carrier pigeon like the ones from LOST, or some lost science experiment. (Later I was told he’s a working pigeon!) So I sat there with him for a little bit while he stood around not able to fly, realized he was sweet and with teary eyes, sighed and waved goodbye. I felt bad for the poor thing, and wished our little Pidgey well.

I came back in feeling a little forlorn and said, “Well at least he didn’t shit in our place.”
Except that he did. Marisa pointed to our bar stool, and that asshole crapped all over our chair! F birds.

Don’t ask me why but I don’t hate pigeons. And they’re rather fond of me as well.

Exhibit A

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Apolo Wins the Mirror Ball!

And I can’t say that I’m disappointed. Except maybe that people could make an award so tacky and god awful. Leila and Max ended up in 3rd. And if Maksim needs a shoulder to cry on, or a leg to feel up, he can call me. Or if he needs a naked rubdown or naked cha cha….you know, whatever will make him feel better.

Actually, Maksim Chmerkovsky (sounds like Bazensky) and Leila Ali came into our work 2 weeks ago to do a meet & greet for People Magazine. Where I coyly asked if he could teach me dance lessons (in my bedroom). He said he lived in NY (tear) and could refer me to someone. That totally ruins my whole him-lusting-after-me thing and dancing/falling in love with me Dirty Dancing/Girls Just Wanna Have Fun/Save the Last Dance/Dirty Dancing Havanna Nights (yeah, i said it!)/Step-Up style. (Side note: Step Up was absolutely horRENdous!! And I have EXTREME-ly low standards for my romantic dance movies!)

As delicious and hot as he is, Maksim’s not the sharpest tool in the shed, and he’s kinda arrogant and douche-y. Or a LOT arrogant, and overbearingly douche-y. Hello bright orange t-shirt, suit jacket, and matching bright orange sunglasses! Made my eyes bleed.

But no fret, Max (Maks?). Just keep moving those hips and being drool-worthy, and ignorance will be bliss once again. Congrats Apolo, job well done. I wanted him to win, and he deserved it! Now bring on So You Think You Can Dance, my most favorite dance reality show EVER!

R.I.P. Dance Life. Double sigh.

p.s. I did not mind at ALL when Maksim groped me all over for this photo op. I am mildly pathetic.

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Stank Traffic

To the guy who stunk up all of the Wilshire/Sepulveda intersection and outlying areas during rush hour today: Dude, either roll up your windows, or ditch your heinous cologne! For the love of all Angeleno commuters!

Unbelievable. Here I am, stuck in traffic, minding my own business, shuffling through my iPod cuz it dawned on me that all 4 stopped lanes of Wilshire have heard me blast Belle & Sebastian's Another Sunny Day 6 times in a row, and now I'm kinda embarrassed – when all of a sudden I'm suddenly hit in the face with a disgusting whiff of some NASTY-ass cologne. So strong and so rancid that I repeatedly coughed and my eyes teared. At first I was in dismay that I was even close enough to another human being that I could be choking on their rancid scent. Then I was in even more shock cuz it kept lingering. It didn't seem to want to go away. Even as I drove. I kept looking around thinking that a cologne store might have spontaneously combusted in the middle of traffic when I wasn't looking. Good god, this was ripe and cruel! It didn't go away, and the suspects were many.

Let's check the line up:
The stank culprit could either be 1. the UCLA student rocking out in his truck (nah, I didn't smell Cool Water and plus his windows seemed to be closed) 2. the old man in the Prius (awwww, he's too cute helping out the planet, and he probably wears Old Spice anyway) 3. the metro business dude in the Audi (metros are too careful about their scents, and by the looks of it, he looks horrified by the stench as well) 4.the creepy old married dude in the Jag who still managed to eye me over like a slimeball as he yelled vehemently at someone on his Treo (dick) 5. the super vanilla guy listening to KBIG in what I could only imagine to be a company or rental car (windows are open, but I doubt he wears something with that much of a bold statement) 6. the dad in the Camry equipped with cigarette and my kid is 'fill in the blank 'bumper sticker 7. the hipster in the coupe (his odor is of a different origin) 8. the gangsta rapper poser in the Hummer (I can't even focus, cuz his stupid army car is too obnoxious for words - you could learn something from Old Prius guy) or #8: the Persian in the Mercedes. Ahem.

It took a good mile for the scent to go away. It's a miracle I didn't pass out. It was all a little too weird and unsettling. I guess I could have closed my sunroof, but it was too gorgeous outside, and my sunroof only closes when it rains.

As soon as the air and my car were odor free, my nose thanked me, the gagging presided, and turned to my trusty ipod and blasted Another Sunny Day.

7 more times.

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LOST...Law & Order: Special Douchebags Unit

what the @#&!%&@#$ was that?

First of all, let me start by saying I didn’t have high hopes for a good episode considering last weeked was so f-ing awesome. I knew that we’d get a suckfest blue van episode thrown at us again. Right off the bat, in the first 5 seconds that I saw Nikki having her own scene, I was ready to turn off the tv and immediately delete off tivo. I have no interest in seeing anything about her! So imagine my surprise when there’s a FLASHBACK about her! I was so pissed! Alas, when she died (or so we thought) in the first segment, I was elated. Annoyed that they’re wasting an episode on her, but elated nontheless.

It was great seeing Shannon and Boone again, but you would think that with the budget on that show, they could maybe get better wigs? Jessica Simpson’s wigs are better than that, and I have a strict rule never to say anything nice about her. And the other thing killing me? The flashbacks of episode 1, season 1, with new footage to place the 2 douchebags in. I was torn. Sighing, half reminiscent of the brilliant first episodes of Lost, while simultaneously seething with rage at the crappy editing and new peeps inserted. Ruined my fond memories of that amazing scene.

I had some hope for the episode when they found the walkie talkie. My mind was sent racing thinking that he was tied with the Others and this episode could be worthwhile afterall!!

I understand why Paulo never said anything about the Pearl, but why didn’t Nikki? If she wanted to be included so much, like she said, then why didn’t she ever mention it to anyone? Doesn’t make sense. And as much as I love my Sawyer, the diamonds-in-the-grave thing? Absurd! Don’t piss me off like the lady from Titanic, yo.

Here’s my issue: That episode could have never aired and wouldn’t make any difference to anything or the plot of the show. The producers realized adding them was a mistake and made some interesting way to get them off. Thanks for the effort, but don’t waste my time. Just phase them out like you did Rose and Bernard. Save episodes for compelling stories like Locke, Desmond, Sayid, Ben, & shirtless Sawyer!

I have to say, the whole being buried alive thing was awesome, but I still hated the episode. It was like we were watching some random crime drama show! I was waiting for Vince D'Onofrio to come at any minute and hear "BING BING!". Bottom line, I am ecstatic that they killed those two off, and it was cool how they did it, but that in no way needed a whole episode to do it. Total waste. I was enraged that we had another filler episode. Although I totally called it.

Oh well, on the positive side…..Ding Dong the douches are gone! La la la la. La la la la.

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Going Green for God???

me: hmmm, what should I give up for Lent* this year?

my friends:
"how about stop being so $@#$%# late every time we come over! you're never ready on time, GOD!!!"
"stop answering the door in your towel when we come over to go out at the time YOU told us to be there and be ready!"
"stop taking naps before we go out and sleeping through what should have been our night out!"
"stop playing on your laptop when you're on the phone"
"stop playing on itunes when you're on the phone"
"pay attention to me"
"stop over-obligating and saying yes to everyone"
"stop buying everyone rounds of drinks all the time".
"don't touch your credit card when your drunk"
"answer your f-ing phone!"
"stop being so hilarious and awesome"

these suggestions are all fine and good my loving friends, but no interest in changing the charm that is Bazensk.

when I first thought of what to give up for Lent* this year, I ran down my usual suggestion list: give up alcohol? nah. going out on the weeknights? lame. eating out? perish the thought. tivo? are you on drugs!

then after seeing Al Gore at dinner the week of the Oscars, it all became clear. I'm going to help save the planet! one little Bazensk step at a time! Global Warming is no doubt an extremely serious issue that we all need to be taking more seriously, and it's sad to know how many things we can to do take action and how easy it is, yet we're still not doing it. And I'm guilty as charged. My roommate and I read a list of things we things we can start doing to stop harming the environment, and decided to start acting a little more earth-friendly :)

(on a side note, I was giddier seeing Al Gore at dinner than seeing super sexy Olivier Martinez in the same restaurant that night. Don't get me wrong, Olivier is ridiculously delicious - no worries Gael, you're still my #1 Latin Luvah - but Gore gave me a bigger flutter. I'm so glad Inconvenient Truth won, holla!!)

so for Lent* I am not giving up eating out or alchohol, tv or running late, being mean to my mom or my infamous naps my friends hate so much. nope! instead Marisa & I are giving up our daily activities and habits that are bad for the environment. if you want to check out more info, click here: http://www.climatecrisis.net/takeaction

hmm, maybe for Lent I should also try to stop getting parking tickets every week.

Psshh, imPOSSible.

* i hereby proclaim that i am not in fact Catholic, but loosely adhere to Lent only because i went to Catholic school and faked my way through mass and all sacramental events. sign of the cross and all. MAJOR poser.

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LOST...killing me softly.

Dude. WORST EPISODE EVER. EVERRR!!!!

No joke. Worse than the filler ones from Season 2. Worse than any Charlie flashback episode. And worse than any episode sans Sawyer’s chest. They really blew it this time:

Exhibit A – Bai Ling on LOST. Am I the only one asking wtf?

Exhibit B – most pointless flashback in history. Even Rose, Bernard, and Claire’s flashbacks have meant more to the show! This was a complete waste of time and no one cares what the hell Jack’s tattoo means.

Exhibit C – the sappy ending. I am the most mushy, gushy cheeseball on the planet, and even I had to control my gag reflexes last night.

Exhibit D – for the love of god, question the others!! Why in the HELL did Sawyer and Kate not question Karl more?! Instead of having love spats, they should have gotten as MUCH info about the Others as possible. Totally absurd.

Exhibit E – too many love stories. We have enough. Don’t need to tack on Jack and Juliet (kill her off for the love of god!) or Alex and Karl. They’re kids, who cares. More sex scenes of the original cast please.

Exhibit F – Kate and Sawyer didn’t do it. WTF!! They’ve already done it once, what are they waiting for?! They had tons of time, and the mood was set. Karl even left them alone. The recipe for hot jungle lovin’ was spoon fed to them! The producers are idiots. Realistically, these LOSTies would be humping like bunnies. Give the people what they want to see! (see also Exhibit E).

Exhibit G – NO MORE NEW CHARACTERS!! How many times do I have to reiterate this!! I thought we were on a roll with Danny’s murder, but no. now they have to bring on Tranny Isabelle. We have enough people! New character time cuts down shirtless Sawyer time! And that simply will not do. Get it together!

I now know why Isabelle freaked me out so much now. She's Christina from Mommy Dearest!! That’s why I shuddered! Iron hangers cause the same reaction. Regardless, grown up Christina is terrifying. And so is her hair.

Some new information I found interesting was that Ethan was a surgeon. Hmmmm. What surgeons do you know that are that creepy and terrorizing? I dunno, maybe it’s just me. He didn’t seem so much surgeon-y as he did kidnap-y and murder-y.

This episode of LOST was a let down no matter how you slice it. Whether or not it came on the heels of the most awesome Desi Time Traveling episode. It sucked a big one.

If I were smart, I’d give up LOST for Lent.

I miss Libby.

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Bazensk Sunday Sampler! Grammy Edition

In lieu of the Grammy’s this evening, I’m posting my first official Sunday Sampler. I didn’t even know the Grammy’s was on tonight. I only found out cuz my guy friend tried to have a one night stand with a San Diegan last night, and they couldn’t get a hotel room because all hotels were booked for the Grammy’s. Hotels for one-night stands?! Horny drunk peeps are getting fancy.

Although I hardly doubt any of these artists would ever be featured at the Grammy’s (a crying shame!), I hope you enjoy my jams…

some of my favorite tracks of 2006

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LOST is back! kinda...

welcome back LOST. and I use the term “welcome” loosely.

so, I am a huge fan of LOST. and by huge fan, I mean I ONCE was a hardcore fan, but they are on probation until they get their shit together or have more shirtless and/or sex scenes with Sawyer. whichever comes first. so until one of the foremetioned things occurs, I am on trial at the moment.

I am known in some circles as the LOST Nazi and am part of a weekly LOST group that gets together to watch, wittily comment, occasionally yell, and salivate over Sawyer weekly. my buddy Dan writes the awesome weekly LOST article for TMZ.com. so check it out: http://www.tmz.com/2007/02/08/lost-diary-not-in-portland/

ok so this huge, ridiculous, anger inducing LOST gap has me forgetting a lot. like I forgot how much I hate Juliet, how much I miss Locke and Sayid (AMAZING cast members that aren't getting enough air time these days), and dare I even say it…I forget the f-ing numbers.

as for last night’s episode, I still can't stand Juliet despite her backstory and the producers' attempt at getting our sympathy for her. the only thing I feel sorry for is her heinous pre-Island hairstyle. I will blame the Florida humidity for that one.

now is it just me, or is Ben (who I now affectionately call Benry since I can't completely let go of the genius name Henry Gale) not as scary when he’s a half naked white blob on the surgical table? I am really uncomfortable seeing him shirtless. I kind of need that to not happen again.

LOST had better get back in my good graces with these next 2 episodes, or they're losing their most loyal viewer forever! ok, as soon as I typed that it was a lie. I'll still watch it of course, but in furious anger. they have a lot of work to do winning me back, damnit! and LOST better do WAY better than that episode to reconcile with viewers. I was terribly disappointed.

After seeing the one-hour LOST wrap-up prior to the new episode, it leaves me longing for the simple pre-hatch/tailies/new-Others'-island days when all they had was gripping character development, black smoke, the monster, a confident bad-ass Locke and those gut wrenching slow-motion-to-sad-music endings. got me everytime. ahhhh, the good old days.

but if they just keep inserting shirtless Sawyer, we’ll call it even.

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Justin Timberlake is my Alpha Dawg

Happy New Year's peeps!!

Check out this link from TMZ.com!! http://link.brightcove.com/services/player/bcpid307702195?bclid=307738825&bctid=412821240

Ok, let's get down to business. Justin Timberlake, junk in a box, Alpha Dog, Paris Hilton, and all.

Thanks to my lovely friend, silent stalker, and fellow Trojan, George Heller, I attended the Alpha Dog premiere and after party Wednesday night. George you are the bestest!! Fo realz.

The night started out marginally well. Or disastrous, whatevs. We were running way late, my shoes were killing me and slowing me down, we were constantly misdirected and didn't know where the hell to go, and in midst of the chaos, George informs me that my purse looked like a file-o-fax. While we were scurrying to get to our seats, and were by the way soooo late, we quite literally ran into Paris Hilton in the lobby with her sidekick of the night, Something Kardashian. Paris was lost too. We grabbed our movie treats and slid in the theater a wee bit late.

As far as the movie is concerned, I wasn't expecting anything. Just mucho glimpses of JT with his shirt off, hopefully. George gave me a quick synopsis in the ride over and I had no idea this was based on a true story. The movie is actually quite disturbing. Great cast, well acted, but really hard to watch. I guess it hits home because it happened not too long ago right here in LA.

I'm a crier at movies, and let me tell ya, I was a wreck after this one. I don't want to give anything away, however if you know the story, then it's no surprise. I physically could not handle some of it. And not because it was especially gory or bloody like a Scorcese film or anything. There are parts that are just difficult to sit through. I had to cover my eyes during one scene and was hysterically sobbing in my seat. It was so difficult to watch. Especially considering it's a true story. All of the girls in the bathroom afterwards were crying, and so I cried some more. Just to allay my extreme sadness from the movie, I told George the only thing that was going to make me feel better was seeing the boy who played the kidnapped victim, just so I could see that he was ok and alive. Then I could sleep better at night. I am a total nerd.

After my cryfest, we hopped on over to the after party. As we were walking around and came to the area where all of the stars and cast were, George says with extreme ease, "Ok let's go meet them". Word. I LOVE how comfortable and confident George is!! He is a rockstar.

First up was Lucas Haas. I saw him and sighed a little. George goes, "You wanna go talk to him? Come on." And he took me over to him. He started talking to him about his new project George knew about. Apparently George's sister is the art director of the film. It's ridiculous. George was so smooth and suave about it, and not at all that a-hole entertainment sheistery guy. Down to earth, breezy, funny, nice, and completely knowledgable about industry stuff all at the same time. Perfection! Now I will let him take me up to anyone to introduce!!

As a sidenote, you halfta check out Ben Foster in this movie. He was pheNOMenal in this. But he is always brilliant. Always perfect at playing that creepy, dark, disturbed freak. I love him.

Schmoozy George and I made the rounds, having so much fun star gazing, taking pics and trying to figure out who's been in what. I was on a quest to find the kid in the movie. The one who played the kidnapped boy.

As we walked around I caught the fortuitious glimpse that made this particular evening the best possible start of my 2007.

There he was. Mr. Futuresex/Lovesongs, former N'Sync-er, Omelette Ville master, Brit's ex (gross!), best SNL guest, and object of my deepest desires, Justin Timberlake. George goes up to him, initiates convo, we tell him how great he was in the movie, I think I fainted somewhere in there, and as I come to, we were snapping a photo as I was feeling him up super stealth style. He was so sweet, gracious, normal and humble. And ridiculously delicious.

Now, I have actually met JT a few times before. Once at a nightclub right when his first album came out. It was at A.D. circa '03, and we were in the VIP section with him, the That 70's Show cast, with a then skinny Britney chain smoking in a balcony above, donning a then possibly appropriate belly-shirt, that now would be absolutely heinous on her. I was dancing with him, and when his song came on he got embarrassed and sat down. So me being so totally lame says brazenly, "Don't try and be humble right now, enjoy it!" I am so gay. Whatever. I was 23 and had blonde highlights. Not my best year. Cut to '04 when my friend who was producing his Senorita video invited me to the set for the day. Met him then and he was super nice, hilarious and a total goof off. Then in '05 we were both waiting for CPK takeout, and he was being really impatient and quite rude as kids screamed in sugar-induced glee for his autograph. I'll forgive him for that though. Kids can be brats and plus they have snot all over them.

I feel T-Lake is at his height of fame right now, and therefore I was that much more giddy to see him. With Sexy Back, Dick in a Box, and Alpha Dog all a buzz, he's the man of the hour. So I guess I was just extra excited to meet him this time. And ladies, I totally grazed his back, touched his stomach, and felt his muy hot man bod all through that adorable sweater he was wearing. Hummina, hummina!!

As for Paris Hilton, I will refrain from saying anything bad about her only because she was very sweet, polite, and happy to take a pic. She literally had to pee in her pants and needed to flee to the ladies, but stopped to take a pic with me. So for that I will refrain from saying that she was totally lame, with an equally lame lapdog at her side. Instead I'll just say she's skinny with long hair.

Rounding out the night, I finally saw Anton Yelchin. The kidnapped boy, hooray! Who might possibly be the most adorable kid ever. We chatted, took a pic, and I exhaled in relief to see him in one piece. Again, I'm a total nerd.

Other honorable mentions of the night: Sharon Stone, John Voight, Lucas Haas, that kid from that show about that one boy band, Ben Foster, Olivia Wilde, ok basically the whole cast of the movie – go imdb it, and Quentin Tarantino. He was just a normal patron seeing another movie, but it was exciting to see him nonetheless.

JT is the man. We ALLLLLL have crushes on him, boy and girl alike. Whether you want to be him, dance with him, or molest him. He's the illest. Which is why it's so gratifying to know that the brilliant co-creator of Dick in a Box was sooooo nice, gracious, and happy to talk to anyone that approached him. It was so intimate and great, and he seems like the most normal guy ever. He did a great job in the movie, and I will continue to salivate over him and dance around my apartment to his jams.

So to answer everyone's question…no. JT did not put his junk in my box.

yet.

This is what i looked like in my seat during the entire movie.

YAY, he's ok!! Phew!!

a vintage clutch to me, a file-o-fax to George.

me and Paris

George is filing Marisa's purse now.

George: "What's with these crazy women's handbags these days?"

George informed me that usually the dates he brings to these things are pretty jaded. He had no idea he'd be saddled to giddy, boppy, me!! I always appreciate seeing the celebs. Lists A to D. Thanks George, I had the time of my life!

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The Best of 2006

Top 20 things I was thankful for this year:

• the f-ing TomKat wedding finally being over! For the love of god. I don’t care about them, their staged love affair, their waste of 3.5 million dollars, and oh that poor, defenseless little cross-eyed alien baby! And I always hate any extra reasons for midget egomaniac Ryan Seacrest being on TV.

• That I am no longer Amish. This year I learned to text, create a website, edit movies, bought a Macbook Pro, and I am now officially tech savvy and therefore culturally acceptable.

• Skampy’s music.

• Teaching the word “douchebag” to all of the men in Italy. Nobel Peace Prize, here I come!

• H&M finally getting their shit together and opening in LA. Sheesh!!

• my trips to Paso Robles, Channel Islands, New York, and Toronto

• Spontaneous Dance Party. in my apartment, on a hike, or out in public. The biggest key to happiness.

• Gael Garcia Bernal, Hugh Laurie, and Tim Gunn

• the vespa

• not marrying the Gay Israeli for $50,000.

• the best birthday of all time: surprise party and wine-tasting trip up North!

• Inventing lingerie Catchprase (honorable mention: lingerie dance party in the woods). You’re welcome.

• not getting caught when I had a warrant out for my arrest (runner up: miraculously not getting a boot on my car….again). f parking tickets, and then forgetting about them.

• all of the goat cheese quesadillas my heart desired

• my sister buying her first house & enjoying her beautiful new home :)
  

• Kate and Sawyer’s long awaited (mainly by me) sex scene. Shoulda showed more, wussies!!

• my macbook pro. my everything.

• America getting their shit together and voting blue!!

• my Europe trip with Shaki and “SPF 4” Keely.

• As with every year, the best family and friends in the world! fo real though

2006 was the most incredible year of all time. I escaped to Europe, Toronto and New York, laughed through the streets of Rome, hiked the coast of Cinque Terre, strolled through artsy Florence, gondola-ed the canals of Venice, trudged through the rain in Paris, went kayaking and camping in the Channel Islands, had the best birthday week of all time, stayed at a gorgeous vineyard in Paso Robles, had a lingerie dance party in a cottage in the woods, went sailing for the first time, was a professional wedding date, threw lots of get togethers, danced in the ocean, ate tons of Astro Burger, house sat, scooped tons of cat crap, was a sweaty dancing queen, went to a bunch of great shows and concerts, had lots of brunches and bbq’s, tons of catchphrase, bundt cake in bed, quality craft-matic time, reacquainted with long-lost friends, reunited with an old love, and had LOTS of spontaneous dance parties! I love my life….and everyone one in it.

Not a day goes by that I don’t feel so incredibly blessed for everything in my life. My ridiculously amazing and loving family – the best in the world, my wonderful, supportive, loving, brilliant, hilarious friends who inspire me every day, the traveling I’ve done, the adventures I’ve had, the hard lessons I’ve learned, meeting incredible people, the love and romance, and even the heartbreak. I am so lucky and thankful for the amazing group of people I have around me, for all of the love in my life, and for the amount of happiness I feel each and every day. Sorry if you want to punch me now.

2006 was the best. Here’s to an even better 2007. Excited for what next year will bring!
xo

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grandparents = Christmas Comedy

Anyone that knows me knows how adorable, wonderful and AMAZING my grandparents are. They are my life. They are the cutest, most precious beings on earth. And hilarious. Besides being perfect in every way, they are f-ing hysterical and they don't even know it. The levels of unintentional comedy are exquisite.

My sister and I stopped by to visit this weekend and as always my grandmother pulled out the envelope of articles, clippings, and cards she likes to read to us from relatives we don't know. She holds these envelopes for us to share when we visit.

This week, she shared a jem. My adorable 87 year old grandpa just recently stopped going to the casinos to play poker. For the last 40 years, he has gone to the casinos 2-4 times a week- my cute little grandpa hustling! This is how my sister and I learned our masterful poker skills. But I digress. Apparently, since he has recently had to stop going, his waitress Jane misses him dearly. Jane calls, writes, and sends a yearly Christmas card. My grandma wanted to share this year's Christmas Card with us:

Oh wait, there's more. Here's the caption:

"Have a wonderful Christmas & Happy New Year. I miss you at the casino. I just transferred to the Asian side a few weeks ago, and I like it 'cause it's less stressful. Love, Jane."

Then my grandma proceeds to explain in wonder that Jane achieves that ever so fetching hairstyle by putting bra pads in her hair. And for this my grandma thinks she's crafty. I'm glad to see she's not at all threatened by my grandpa's lovely stalker.

And if this wasn't enough to send my sister and I rolling, later in the evening my sweet, adorable grandma utters these very words, "Jane wanted to give Grandpa a blow job." My grandpa the heartbreaker. Always has been, always will be.

Other notable quotes of the night:

"I moon your grandfather just to make him laugh."

"We're going to have to put dynamite up his butt."

and my personal fave

(very innocently) "Yogurt! Oh yes you put that right up there in a small douchebag."

If I ever hear my grandmother say douchebag again, I'm gonna lose it.

And lastly, one more brilliant idea from grandma before we left. My sister is a songwriter, and every year my grandmother tries to talk her into writing a hit Christmas pop song, cuz "that will really roll in the bucks." This year her suggestion was to write a song teaching everyone to start saving their money for once. She excitedly proposed to my sister the song "Nifty, No-Gifty, Thrifty Christmas. Monica, it would top the charts!"

I've said it my whole life, and I'll say it again. My grandparents are the best ever.

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the day has finally come...

It brings me great pleasure to announce that I am now the proud owner of a fancy schmancy Macbook Pro!! YIPPEEEEE!!! My dream come true. I've been wanting one for-EVER!!

I made the purchase yesterday and was in such a heightened state of euphoria that I didn't even let the insane mobs at the Grove and all the anxiety-inducing Christmas festivities bother me. I was on a mission.

It's obnoxious how giddy I was. I was bopping around the Apple store squealing and dancing, spreading cheer and nausea everywhere. Yes, I realize that I'm always happy/dance-y perma-grin, but yesterday reached record-breaking heights. My cheeks have a hangover. I'm so happy I could burst!!

And she's so pretty and shiny. I love her. I can't even concentrate on work today - I just wanna be home with her (sniff, sniff).

So many fun things I get to do now!! iMovie, iPhoto, webcamming (rawrrrr!!), and endless, endless geeking out. This has been a long time coming, and now all is right in the world.

Ok really, I just wanted my own thermal pic.

(Ari and I mid-purchase. HOLLER!!!)

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B-B-B, B-B-B-B Go Bayside!!

Tivo is so damn smart. He knows exactly what my roommate and I want to watch, but would never think to seek out on our own. I don't know how our Tivo Suggestions list is so friggin amazing, but it's like he's inside our heads. He tapes all the best Felicity's, the classic and (at the time) controversial 90210's, Daily Show, and every episode of Seinfeld. Consequently, it also always records Wheel of Fortune, and I don't know what the f that's about.

I came home tonight, defiant to the thought of going out, and instead decided to see what Tivo had in store for us today. I looked over the suggestion list, a little surprised that my trusty Tivo decided to record an episode of Saved By the Bell. Alas, he always knows best cuz it just so happens that the Saved By the Bell episode Tivo recorded was only my favorite one ever: "All in the Mall". The one where the Bayside gang (minus Jesse in this episode) is trapped in the mall, forced to spend the night. I had ALWAYS wished that would happen to me!! I dreamt about it for the longest time when I was younger. I got the idea first from Mannequin though. The pioneer and frontunner of all the trapped-in-mall scenarios. And the debut of the future Samantha Jones J

In this particular episode, I'm totally distracted by 2 things: Kelly's heinous floral bicycle shorts with matching bra and jean jacket, and Slater's mullet perm. It just assaulted my retinas. A.C. Slater was just one of the 90's "heart throbs"-and I use that term loosely-sporting the jerri curl, perm mullet. Steve Sanders from 90210 was the other one. Blech. The visual just traumatized me.

This episode is a favorite no doubt, but of course the most brilliant scene in Bayside history is Jesse's Spano's spectacular breakdown after overdosing on caffeine pills. Which I love to re-enact every once in a while, I'm not gonna lie. "I'm sooooooooo excited, I'm sooooooo excited. I'm soooooo (dramatic pause, then panting) SCARED!!!!" (Sidenote: is it sad that I still know the words to the song that the girls were set to perform in that episode? With the super cool-using that term loosely also-video of them working out on the trampolines?)

My favorite thing about Saved by the Bell I have to say, was definitely the music. It sounded like stuff I'd play on my mini casio keyboard....if anyone would have bothered to buy me one. No lyrics, just pure cheesed out synthesizer. And when they would have school dances or one of their numerous dance contests and they had to bust out to the tunes, it was sheer brilliance.

That show was severely low-budge and fabulous.

The best prop of the show? No contest. Hands down the Zach Morris cell phone. It has gone down in infamy. At the time, coolest most futuristic thing ever. Now, the highest of high comedy.

Speaking of Mario Lopez, i feel compelled to mention his devastating blow last night. It's no news that he lost the Dancing with the Stars Finale. I will admit that he got better looking with age, and got a much needed straight perm or something. Despite my Bayside loyalties however, I did not vote for him because he's so damn cocky. And mainly because the ONLY show I call in to vote for is So You Think You Can Dance. (Travis, you were robbed!!)

Even though I didn't watch the series, I'm secretly happy Emmett one. He's simply adorable. My mother would shoot me for even uttering these words considering she has flooded the phone lines and abc.com's message boards in her "vote for Mario" campaign. And she means business. (If you think I'm kidding, go check out the message boards, and you'll see her all over that board. I hang my head in shame.) My mother has been harassing Marisa, me and everyone, ordering us to call 5 times from our cell phones, 5 times from our home phones, and to register online. There have been mass e-mails, harassing phone calls, threats…it's not pretty. I think she feels like she's leading some significant Latino mission, but really she just needs to get a life. Bless her little Hispanic (ish) heart.

I went on a terrible tangent, but all I wanted to say is Tivo rules……and Mario is a total douche.

Ian Ziering is pretty douche-y too.

p.s. speaking of cheesy shows from the early 90's, am I the ONLY one who watched Out of this World? With Evie who could freeze time? How come no one else watched that?! Didn't everyone want to be able to freeze time? To this day, I still pick that as my superpower of choice. I don't care what you say. Flying and being invisible is NOT as cool. (Hiro Nakamura beats the Petrelli brothers fo sho)

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