Are you there Santa? It's me Bazensk.

Dear Santa,

I know we haven't touched base in like 17 years, but I just wanted to say hi and see what you were up to. Couldn't find you on Facebook, so I thought I'd write a letter old school style. Last time we corresponded I believe you were giving out My Little Ponies and Hungry Hungry Hippos, but I'm hoping you have rolled with the times and have a sack full of iphones and mac equipment for me this year!

It's been a doozey of a year, wouldn't ya say? But Santa, I know in my heart of hearts I've been good enough to earn something special for Christmas this year.

I was mean to my neighbor, but that loud, obnoxious, CRAZY, illerate, gossip diva drug addict asshole deserved it. I was mean to my other neighbor by mimicking all of his annoying and loud sex-capades so that he and his tramp of the week could hear, but he was keeping Marisa up every night! Sure I moaned and groaned loudly while they nailed so they could hear me. Mean or funny? You make the call.

I lessened the road rage and threatening people within the safe confines of my car. I have no idea what I did for that 55 year old man in the Mercedes to come up to my window and threaten that he had a gun. I'm small and innocent. Like I could ever piss someone off that bad :)

I yelled a lot at Ari, but less at my mom. So that evens out.

I broke a lot of laws, but didn't get caught on most of them. I got like 12 parking tickets (a HUGE decrease for me) and missed a bunch of court dates. But I didn't get a boot on my car this time, so I gotta earn some extra credit there. And I was super nice to the lovely staff of the Beverly Hills, Santa Monica, and West L.A. courthouses. They all know me by name and even sent me Christmas cards!

I was marginally less rageful and hateful to Persians. Which you can vouch for is not an easy thing to do.

I illegally downloaded a lot of music, but in turn shared said music with my friends and made them only the best mixes ever! I've changed some peoples lives with my mixtapes.

I yelled, defied and cussed out my boss a bunch, but she had it coming right? Now she's afraid of me, kisses my ass, and lets me do whatever I want. I actually like her now, so basically I turned a negative to a down-right positive!

I whored it down by not being the "Kissing Bandit" like my title-holding year of 2005. Sorry fellas.

As for nice things, I flaked a lot less, was kind to the environment, gave lots of great dance performances for people to enjoy (including many gratuitous flashes while being twirled & flipped by Tom Johnson). I supplied a lot of people shelter on Saturday nights/Sunday mornings/afternoons after they drank too much. I also supplied a lot of "refreshments" to those in need, gave the gift of the margarita machine and threw parties for peeps. I introduced many people to good music and Astro Burger. I stuck to a lot of obligations, spread cheer and tons of Flight of the Conchords videos to those in need, dished out tons of love and xo's on myspace, and gave lots of money to a charity called Lubitsch. And as with every year, I spread obnoxious amounts of love and goodness to all of my family, friends, and non-Persian people.

Having said all that I think I deserve something great this year. A trip to Spain, the ability to beat Expert on Guitar Hero 3, the writer's strike to end, no more Spears girls in the news, a winning lottery ticket…I don't know, surprise me :)

xo
Bazensk

p.s. just wanted to thank you again for all the Jem and Rainbow Brite stuff back in the day. you have no idea how cool that stuff made me.