Mercury in Retrograde. You can say that again.
Mercury in retrograde is kinda like Earth having PMS. Everything’s off, crazy, and really needs chocolate . Ok, went to far with that analogy.
Everyone at work today has been uttering the phrase “Mercury in Retrograde!!” as an excuse for people’s erratic behavior, nasty confrontations, crazy goings-on, and frustrating blackberry and e-mail outages. Not ever being to into astrology, I asked myself “Is this is the reason I’m so off today (please see paragraph 9)”, and decided to read up on it.
The traditional astrological meaning assigned to Mercury going "retrograde" in the sky is that one should prepare for and gird themselves for unexpected delays, frustrations, and surprises in everyday life. This includes everyday routines in commerce, commuting back and forth to work, and in one's communications.
Unexpected delays? Traffic was unusually sucky today – check!
Frustrations? my boss, work today, my boss at work today – check!
Surprises? my ex is coming to town and my raise kicked in today – check!
During the (very) approximate 24 day periods when Mercury turns "retrograde" in the sky, in the area of commerce, astrologers generally recommend delaying of the signing contracts and other important life decisions. It is a period of time thought to be better spent in reflection and in the rethinking of things.
Re-thinking of things. I would like to rethink my major in college (art would have been fun - business schmusiness) and buying that Jetta with such a high monthly payment years ago. I might also want to rethink my career. Advertising? Pssh! Give me independently wealthy world traveler! I need to rethink my tivo season pass. The Office should take precedence to LOST (yeah I said it). I’d like to rethink the girl scout cookies I just scarfed and the highlights I thought were cool senior year. I would also like to rethink my philosophy on parking tickets.
This is an excellent time to work on old projects that never got to be finished. So, think about the things you started and never finalized.
I have 12 tivo-ed shows, 4 books, 3 unedited iMovies, 2 scrapbooks, and one game of Trivial Pursuit I never finished. Dan, it’s on! you’re going down!
Mercury is literally turning backwards. Backwards. That pretty much sums up my day. I've gone off at everyone that has so much as breathed on me wrong, and I kinda just sent a random crazy e-mail to an ex-friend/crazy lying alcoholic whore. So instead of having one more crazy outburst today, I will take the newspaper’s advice and use this time for introspection, meditation, contemplation and everything else philosophical that ends in “tion”. And finish old projects. Europe scrapbook over bitching out the next person that looks at me funny? Done and done!
A client just called asking why she didn’t get any of my e-mails. To which I said coily, “Mercury in Retrograde!” I’m gonna love using this as my excuse for the next 13 days.
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
Bazensk in Retrograde
Friday, June 22, 2007
Dane Cook & So You Think You Can Dance!
Anyone that knows me knows that I am OBSESSED with So You Think You Can Dance. O-b-s-e-s-s-e-d!!! It's only the best show ever, people.
So imagine my surprise when I not only see half the cast at dinner last night, but I saw my favorite, most delicious male dancer Kameron Bink!! Dude. Nothing hotter than a guy that can dance. And his lyrical dance w/Lacey last week was phenomenal!! Choreographer Mia Michaels is a friggin genius.
While dining with April for her birthday, dancers from the show kept walking by, and as Kameron walked by I literally let out a whimper. Obsessed with the thought of getting a picture with him or grazing his skin somehow, I directed my attention to an immediate plan of action on how to accomplish both. Thank god there were other people at the table to entertain April.
As we were leaving the restaurant, so was Kameron. How convenient - ahem. As we stalked followed him out the door, I stopped him, TOUCHED him (hottest dancer bicep ever), and totally using April's birthday as my excuse for being stalker-y, asked for a picture. Of course he was just excited to see he has fans over the age of 13, and happily obliged. Unfortunately we had to get Lacey in the picture too cuz she couldn't get her grubby, greedy paws off of him for one second. We told them they were our favorite couple and divulged how obsessed with the show we were.
Realizing what huge losers we were, we shamelessly giggled with glee and took off to our next stop: The Laugh Factory. It's a tradition that every year for her birthday, I take April to dinner and a comedy club. Unfortunately, this night was “College Night”. So not only were we the only people there over the age of 20, but College Night is usually a pretty sucky line-up. Oh well, it's a tradition. We'll suck it up and listen to jokes about facebook and frat parties.
The comics were marginally funny. Then all of a sudden they call out the surprise comic for the night, Dane Cook! Ok, now I have to admit I always kinda thought Dane Cook was way overrated, and not as funny as everyone thought. I thought he was a blown up untalented mainstream comedian. Well, I was wrong. He is hilarious. And quick as hell! And kinda sexy, now that you mention it. He didn't skip a beat, and I was thoroughly impressed with his comedy surprisingly. So of course we had to go meet him. AND get his picture. He was lovely. And hot. Would have liked if he grabbed my ass or something, but beggars can't be choosers. I felt him up, said cheese, and called it a day.
Kameron Bink & Dane Cook. All in all a good night. Every time I see someone famous now and want to take a picture, I'm just going to say it's April's birthday. Works like a charm.
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
Accupuncture Erotica
I learned some interesting things about myself today: I weigh 109 pounds (who knew!), I am 20 % body fat (YIKES! Thanks Pinkberry), I unnecessarily strip naked for acupuncturists (whoops!), and I’m ferociously attracted to a 65 year old Chinese man.
I went into my first acupuncture appt ever, because a) I haven’t been sleeping, and b) it was free. I had an unusually spastic, stressful day and was told that I would be receiving a complementary massage. Cha-ching! I had no idea it was a full body 1 hour massage!!
I undressed completely and waited on the table for the doctor to come in. (sidenote: I’m kind of a perv when it comes to massages. I should warn you now) I was kinda hoping some hot assistant would come in for the rubdown. But instead a geriatric Chinese man came in. oh well, you can’t win them all.
We made our pleasantries, I apologized for being naked (all of a sudden I found it completely inappropriate), and he started the massage.
The second he touched me, I was in heaven. His hands were f-ing magic! And everything he did was perfection. And quickly I was shamefully aroused. When I was turning over, he goes, “Your puppies are sitting there. You have your puppies out! Put your puppies away!” I made him blush. (puppies=boobs, btw)
As he was rubbing my ass, I go, “so you from around here?” and he hushed me. hmmm, hard to get? Niiiiiiiiiiice. I enjoy a challenge.
With the Yanni version of the Titanic soundtrack setting the mood in the background, I started getting further and further into ecstacy. And was eager to get to know my new Chinese friend a little better.
He had to readjust the sheet (so he could sneak a better peak of the boobies I bet). i didn’t much mind. As he massaged the adjacent areas, I was kinda hoping he would cop a feel. Yes I realize I am officially disgusting. But you don’t know his hands! They were heavenly.
As he started doing something wildly and sexually inappropriate to my toes, I almost let out a flirtish squeal when all of a sudden the musak version of the f-ing LORD’S PRAYER came on!! I am not even kidding. I was immediately reminded that I am a hideous slut. What the hell is WRONG with me! why do I want to have this man’s babies right now! and why isn’t he touching my boobs! They’re out in the open!
Sensing my tension he said, “請是安靜”. Which I think is Chinese for “you have a great ass”. I decided to conceal my lustful ways and just enjoy the rest of his orgasmic massage.
I hereby state that I have never been touched like that. sorry any former lovers who read this - it’s true. He rocked my world. I needed a cigarette when he was finished. I’m bringing wine and chocolate covered strawberries to the next appt.
I walked out of the appt, stalling, batting my eyelashes, desperately trying to get him to notice me. I was hoping he’d ask for my number, but nothing.
I came back to work and everyone thought I had a lunch quickie, what with my JBF hair and stupid grin on my face.
I will be dreaming of Grandpa Chinese Guy. We will meet again Jung Chiu, oh yes we will meet again. Get ready for these puppies.
Jesus CHRIST I’m in heat. I’m off to take a cold shower.
Lauren Chiu
Friday, June 15, 2007
The One About Coachella
this is way belated, but in cleaning out some old e-mails, i'm reminded of how hilarious my Coachella experience was this year. please see following excerpt from an e-mail I wrote to Ish and Ally. says it all:
Coachella
cost of gas to drive to the desert - $20
amount of time driven to said desert on a TRAFFICY Friday afternoon – 5 hours (normally 2 hours)
time it took Ally and I to realize we missed all our bands, it wasn't worth it to keep driving, and we were going to pull over and tell the guys we were turning around - 30 minutes
time it took Ally to be coerced into COMPLETELY changing our plans to turn around – 1 minute (sucker!)
coast of gas station snacks and cracked out energy drinks- $10
amount of time dancing hysterically in car due to caffeine overload – 40 minutes
cost of hotel room - $0
cost of tickets - $0
cost of soju mixed drinks - $12 each
amount of money Ally would pay a sniper to put a hit on Bjork – infinity dollars
cost of drinks at GQ party -$0 and dangerous
drunk comments to Simon Rex on a scale of 1-10? 100!
time spent in Jack in the Box drive thru at 3am – too fucking long
how much I wanted to kill Ally for changing her mind last minute to leave at 6am to drive home, when we went to bed at 4am.....on a scale of 1-10? 3.5 million
the memories, shame, and embarrassing stories from Coachella - priceless
that is all i can say. i cannot divulge more details. other than the fact that Ish was so lovely to give us his tickets for free, and we almost didn't go! so glad we did, because it was the best time ever. Thanks guys!
and p.s. i'm still so upset that i missed Of Montreal, the Rapture and Peter Bjorn and John. when the hell is Of Montreal on tour?! for the love of god!
